Zombies, Maltese dogs, and change.

Do you know what I wish?

I wish I was better. Not necessarily at something specific (although, that is kind of an automatic duh) I just wish I was better at being a human. Ok, maybe that came out wrong. No I am not an alien, or a cyborg, or a republican (I kid, kinda). I just kind of suck at being alive sometimes (kind of like zombies, but without all the brains).

I think we all have times when we just feel like we trudge from thing to thing, not really expecting, well, anything. I just wish I created a more vibrant tapestry for myself in life, or more change (hey, vibrant tapestry makes me sound fancier, and I need to use this college degree for something dammit). I mean, it's not like I want a snake to show up in my shower every 4th day or a gopher to bite my toes at the park when I take the dog out, because those thing would be, well, mostly horrifying and painful. I suppose my needs are based on the envy that I feel for others in my life. I know, I know, envy is a bad thing, we should be content with the happiness that we are given (blah, blah, bla....ZzZzZz. Oh, sorry I dozed off from all your judgemental, judginess). This may be true but, is it wrong to want a little of the spice back?

You know what would be a lot easier, if you could just by spice of life at the store, but not to one of those specialty stores that make you drive out in the the middle of nowhere strip mall land where you feel like you are suddenly going to be ambushed by a mess of dateline cameras accused of talking online with a 12 year old boy where the store employees give you weird looks because they just KNOW you're not from around here and its really hard to find what your looking for and your afraid to ask because of the suspicious employees and your a little creeped out by how sticky the floors are kind of places, because that would so NOT be worth it. You know what I'm saying though? Just walk into the grocery store and pick up a bottle of Spice of Life *Now made with 30% more sunshine and edible glitter!* with your necessary milk and apples or soy milk and frozen pizza or Rolaids and laxatives (You know, the usual).

So yeah. We should get on that. You know what? Since now all those wicked smart NASA people are going to all be out of jobs we should get them a grant to develop stuff like this. It is after all, science, right? Or maybe its voodoo or perhaps it would be the job of those America's Test Kitchen people. I'll do some research....


Anyway, I need some change, but like most Americans I fear change.

Oh wait. No I don't, well I do, but I don't mostly. But come on! Sometimes change is scary. Have you ever cut like 5 inches off your hair with a new stylist who half way through cutting your hair tells you that she just graduated from beauty school and you are her first customer. That, my friends, is pure fear. The fear that your need for a "new spring look" will wind up making you look like a half-rabid Maltese with a skin condition is enough to set you off of change for a good 5 years, along with giving you a startling fear or salon chairs and Maltese dogs.

What were we talking about?

I am so lost.

What to do when hate is no longer a four letter word but rather an endless string of crazy ramblings, run on sentences, commas, and other nonsense.

Today I'm a little hateful. I know that hate is a strong word, but, on my honor, I swear I'm not hating people, or even actions really, just situations and things (and stuff and junk). For instance, I hate that this grogginess will not leave my head, no matter how positive I am about a good day, no matter how much healthy tea I drink, no matter how much I wish (hope, pray, do a mythical rain dance for, etc.) I was back in bed sleeping peacefully with my dog and husband (oops, I think I'm supposed to put the one I love more before the other, or maybe that's what I did (*wink*), just kidding....kinda). I am hateful of the stack of dishes that seems to follow me from home to work (staring at me with it's googly plate/cup/bowl eyes) and the stack of laundry that isn't far behind. I am hateful of the insecurity that plagues my morning routine, of knowing the strength that insecurity will gain when I arrive at my office filled with marathon running, rock climbing, eating lentils and kale everyday (sweet, thoughtful, encouraging) co-workers. Most of all, I am hateful of all the little things that seem insignificant that I would love to obliterate from my list, my ever growing (festering seems like a better word) list of to-dos, will-dos, don't dos, don't want to dos. 8 million, no, 800 million little things to hate, to loathe, to detest, to scorn, to stomp on, scream at, sneer at, pout at, kick, punch, and karate chop all ninja style with the furry of a thousand blazing little hateful dagger filled suns while yelling indiscriminate things posing as witty repartee...at.

See? It's a problem right? Its not just in my head, oh wait, yes it is, and THAT is the problem right? Its all in my head, which, biologically speaking, is nothing more than slimy, pinkish/whitish tinged coils shoved into my skull sending tiny electrical signals and releasing chemicals and hormones and other sciencey, fancy doing stuff, stuff. BUT to me (cause that what you really want to know right? oh... you don't? well...to bad) it is like a constant elementary school game of red rover when your 1st grade class is playing against the far bigger, far stronger 5th graders and you just keep sending over kid after kid after kid and one by one BAM! each of those kids is close lined, knocked to the ground, birds and stars adorning their vision unable to regain their reasoning behind participating in this ludicrous game (seriously people there is a reason why schools won't allow it to be played anymore, its brutal, I believe in my day there were broken bones and concussions involved), and that ladies and gentlemen is what it feels like to be a thought in my head. It's a pretty picture huh?

So maybe I should see a therapist (*scoff*), or maybe an exorcist (*giggle*), or maybe, just maybe I should buy a million dollars worth of chocolate pudding and fill an Olympic sized pool with it an swim around all day, wait, that wasn't relevant (or was it...). I don't know, maybe its the pessimist in me that daily beats up the optimist nerd and takes his lunch money(I'm thinking about buying the optimist a gym membership, he really needs to bulk up) or maybe its just the fact that I take things way to seriously, or maybe I just need to shut up. What I do know is that being a little hateful can ruin your day, even when its only 10am, and that my friends is no fun, because this day barely had a chance, I mean it is Monday and we all know that this guarantees an automatic day fail, but the hatefulness, that just makes it worse and I've got to find a way to fix that, or channel it, or...something. I'm open to suggestions.

As long as they don't involve snakes. Or tomatoes.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

(You might not realize this but I am actually kind of normal. I swear.)

Happy Monday!