Breaking the Bone To Set it In Place.

There are just days where the contemplations of life bring your body and your mind to the breaking point. The living conception that there are things present in the world today; feelings, emotions, events, that can bring so much pain and suffering to a person that they will to make their heart stop from the agony of it all. There are days when my heart hurts, when I observe the terror and hate that we inflict upon humanity for the good of ourselves and my eyes want to burst with tears and I must my clench my fists and tighten my mouth to keep from my own anger and pain form adding insult to injury. Each day I see the drawn faces of parents who will never know the joy of dancing at their childs wedding, or holding their grandchildren, I see them struggle to understand why, why their child can't hold a pencil or blow bubbles, why they can't will their child to speak so that they can understand their wants and needs more clearly. I see their disappointment in themselves, their wonder of what they did. I walk the steps to my cozy home and see the disgruntled men and women wandering, picking up cans, trying to find what little hope of a meal or comfort in the few dollars they can scrounge and I hear the snearing and jearing from society wondering why they can't better themselves for the good of "respectable people", why they can't sober up, why they can't pull themselves up out of their situation, and yet those same "respectable people" can't see their own friends struggling with the loss of jobs, scrimping and saving to buy their children schools clothes or this weeks groceries, selling the car to pay the morgage and putting on a smiling face so know one will know that their just not making it. It makes me wonder how more people don't just break-down and cry from it all. The feeling of helplessness, the charge of ingnorance and intolerence, the enormity of the problem and lack of awarness, the wish to solve the worlds problems and the complete and crushing knowledge that you will never, ever, be able to.

But, then I remember the joy of a wathing child running around a darkned room without abandon, smile blazing, because of the shining glow stick you just handed them, or the parent laughing with tears in their eyes because their child just said a 6 word sentance for the first time in their lives. The simple joy of seeing the smiles of others when you open a door for them or just say hello on your morning walk. Small, unabrtusive things that bring my heart back from the brink and remind me that joy and kindess in small amounts infinatly trump the pain that humans create for ourselves. This is what my conception of life has become, what reminds me of my own wish to brighten the lives of others. Life is not seeing the good through the bad, it isn't the light at the end of a tunnel. Light is ever present, it doesn't come after the dark, it is the dark. Beauty is not conceptualized in a leafy tree blowing in a summer breeze, or a painted sunset. Its in a city scape darkened by rain clouds. I feel as though our lives are puncuated by waiting, waiting for something we want to happen, and we become so wrapped up in waiting that we forget that life is not created by the signs or the actions of what is around us, it created by us. Only we can act for ourselves, only we can create the life we want, waiting for others to act for you will create a life of wishing, and as beautiful and perfect as wishes can be, they will never taste or sweet or feel as wonderful as the truth and being of reality.

And so I charge myself, and you, to remember what it is to stop living through vision and perception and start taking action to create the life we want, here and now, with our hands and bodies instead of with our minds.

A simple cache of empty poetic sentances, arranged artfully.

Oh, but I am a slave to my own eternal mediocrity, try to fail and fail to try to see where good intensions lie. Why a shooting star falls short, revealing unknow the distance of its course. tales and debris. Or what we could only see, is only what we make and the drastic measures tha we take, to ends of luxury, rich with comfort, filled with this and that, of sorts. Things to be regretted. Or, all we are and ever, will be, won't be, could and only, should be lonely in a world of placeless pity on those so wholly undeserving, where we become, over and over, not what we're meat, but the measly half of what could be better spent.

Power,Will ?Is there a Will Power?? Will Power anyone?

Ok. I'll admit it. I'm living behind a cardboard facade of an active life, which is now beginning to crumple around me, and as my cozy laze-about retreat is revealed I stare upon the stark reality of my life and I realize that now is the time to ask for your help, because obviously I can't manage that on my own.

I once used to cook and took delight in making meals and trying new recipes. I now eat lean cu sines for lunch everyday.

I used to love to walk. Rain or shine, hot or cold, night or day, and I now struggle to pull myself out of bed every morning to walk my incessantly hyper active dog.

I used to be creative. I sang, played instruments, dabbled in photography, now files of pictures stay trapped inside my forgotten camera unappreciated and un-edited and my vocal exercise consists of singing along to the radio.

Yet, even as I can hear the endless real of excuses begin their faint warbling track in my mind. Sure this has been the busiest year of my life. Graduation, moving, new jobs, getting a dog, marriage, and now on to being an auntie, but what are those things compared to my passions in life? I mean, of course they are important, life changing in some respects, but they should only add to me as a person, not subtract. Admittedly those things all took time, and in many cases maximized it, but what is stopping me now? What is holding me back from savoring the retreat I used to find in a good walk, the emotional release of a song, or the joy of a painstakingly prepared meal. The answer, I suppose, is obvious, it's not my life, it's Me. I realize this makes the statements and questions above completely pointless, but what is a Blog if not self-indulgent?

I want to pose the challenge to myself, and to those of you who are willing to help me, to regain the passions I once enjoyed. Firstly, some conditions, I work 10 hour days which means I often don't get home until 6:30 or 7:00 at night which is a major obstacle to cooking a nice meal every night for the simple reason that when I get home I am famished and have neither the time nor the patience to cook. So anyone who can get me around that doosey gets a gold star.

I have recently found that a good nights sleep really helps me be less lethargic in the mornings, however when you get home at 6:30 add time to eat, take the dog out again, and watch the news or a tv show it has magically become 9 o'clock and you have had no time to go to the grocery store or read that blog article you wanted to read and so you stay up till 10, which becomes 11 which leads to not enough sleep. Although I used to avoid the snooze it has recently become my constant companion, and as much as I hate that it limits my time to be able to take the dog out and leaves me rushed and frantic to get out the door in the morning. This will, I'm afraid, become an even larger problem when I start taking public transportation again which requires me to get up even earlier.

So, I barely have time to cook or walk the dog...when am I supposed to find time to sing again or take pictures? The weekends are basically my only time to spend with my husband, when he is there, or have a social life, which is hanging on by a thread as it is.

Excuses, excuses. Its all I've got. So. Help. Please? Be harsh. Be nice...I don't care at this point. I just need someone to point me in a direction that doesn't lead to an endless cycle of missed opportunities and boring routine.

When the end is near, think of me.

Quote of the Day: Life is a strange and cruel mistress. Sometimes you just have to accept it, learn to be a masochist, and love the pain that she brings. 

And with that cheerful quote the next stage of my life begins. A week from tomorrow I will walk across the stage at the Rose Garden and accept the diploma which has slowly sapped the life from me for the last four years. All of the sleepless nights, the procrastination, the tears, the rage; All of it poured into an 8 1/2 by 11 inch piece of paper stuffed in the a leather sleeve. Man, I was really hoping this was going to be more climactic....

When you envision the end of your college career as a young high school student, you imagine grandure, you imagine the praise and the hope, the high paying job with the possibility of advancement and the house that is soon on your horizon, you imagine the world at your feet waiting to respect you as an adult with a degree, but is this pomp, are these circumstances real? 

No. Those dreams, those things, they are a figment of the young, naive imagination. 

Ok so perhaps my pessimism is getting the best of me. I did have the luxury of getting a job, with good pay, and benefits. Is it in my field? No, but then again I was lucky enough to graduate from college in the midst of a recession so, this is definitely the bright side of the whatever analogy you would like to insert here.  But I guess what I am saying is that, you commit to a higher education hoping to come out of it ahead of the pack, with a sense of accomplishment, feeling like you just spent all that time and money on something that you are going to put to hard use, and I suppose that my ending feels a bit, well. Lacking. 

I am lucky to have had the wonderful support, love, and  guidance along this journey but I just can't help but feel that I am letting down all of the people who helped me through. I know that a job in a time like this is a Bird in Hand, but, alas, the disappointment remains, flourishing in my mind and destroying any excitement that tries to escape.

Yet, with all the moans and groans I know that I am fortunate and I should accept this as the next step, and even though I may not know the direction I'm traveling in but, hell, does anyone really know that?   

Basking

Its finally here. Spring break. Ok, its wednesday of spring break but it arrived so I am technically correct. I should be out cavorting with my fellow collegiate interrupters but alas I am at work, and indeed I am working hard for the money. If by hard you mean a mere 5 hours shift on which I have participated in two scintillating conversations with co-workers, surfed the internet, facebooked, myspaced, got coffee, drank coffee, got my new bus pass, and wrote a seemingly uninteresting blog about my uneventful work day. So what may you ask am I pondering today? Life? The existence of God? The purpose and unequivocal efficacy of the death penalty? Close...but no cigar. My source of ponderation is something that makes, breaks, stabilizes, and conflicts every society on earth. Food. Besides the fact that it is tasty and it causes that obnoxious rumble in your tummy, food literally sustains and creates life, a fact which has largely been overlooked by modern society. America has an obsession with food which I cannot seem to understand. Everyday you see an new ad or promotion for a product, plan, or pill centered around weight loss or appetite suppression and yet, on the very heels of these you will undoubtedly see a fast food commercial, or a grocery store pitch. We see food as a commodity, a good to be bought or sold, but is this its true purpose? Of course not. 

We are known as the fattest country in the world, and yet we have the highest incidence of eating disorders.  The majority of us could drive less than 2o miles to the nearest farm or orchard and yet we have the highest grossing convenience food industry on the planet. How did this happen? What is the cause? I think that Americans have lost their ability to eat. 

Now obviously everyone eats (or everyone should eat) but we, as a society, have lost sight of the beauty and enjoyment that can be found in food. Instead of eating, we consume, so much so that I'm sure if you stood on the deck of a ship in the middle of the pacific ocean and faced towards the state you would hear the gentle sucking sound of the American food consuming vortex. But I digress. We have come to the point of revolution where we as a society need to make the decision to take back the food industry and once again be able to appreciate the things that find their way onto our plates. 

The next time you bite into your fast-food salad or your applebee's hamburger, think. Think about where it came from, savor the low quality beef and hot house tomatoes and ponder how much better it would have tasted if you had spent a little extra to eat local or grow your own. Examine what you buy the next time your cruising down the aisles at the grocery store, look at the labels, not just to see the fat, calories, or sugar content, but to look at the ingredients and really think about what your putting into your body and how it effect they way you live and feel. No. You don't have to become a snob who judges yourself and others for every mis-step or bad choice, and you don't have to participate in the self-deprecation that is touted by the diet industry or the corporate green "movement". No. We aren't perfect and we can't and won't choose the right thing all the time, but maybe if we all choose to savor local or homegrown every once in a while over the easier choice of convenience and guilt, we could start our revolution. And maybe we won't start a revolution but you might at least get a little health and happiness out of the deal, right?  

I'm now going to dismount from my high horse fashioned from used soap boxes, compost, and discarded dreadlocks to make myself some lunch...

How ironic...

My mental exercise

So as I was enjoying my period of self-reflection, list making, and general observation time on the bus this morning I got to thinking about this country and I came to the glaringly obvious and mostly recognized revelation that America has a confidence problem. Now what lead me to this 'light bulb above my head' kind of thought was the constant pondering I have over my own future. Recently I have been struggling with the reality that after 4 years of hard work, stress, and disappointing payoffs I get to face a job market in which people with PhD's are competing for entry level office administration positions. Lucky me. So what to do, what to do? Grad school? Expensive and mostly only useful if you actually have clue of what you want to get your degree in. Internship? Thoroughly unglamorous, unpaid, and unavailable , especially when every other post-bac student in America is hoping to score one as well. Nursing School? Would be wonderful if I had the sense to participate in anything slightly resembling science or math since my sophomore year in high school, but alas will require a short stint at Concorde career institute and a possible bridge program, most of which sounds like a lot of work to ultimately fail at something I have no natural ability in. Americorp? Seems like a great idea, besides the crappy pay, but is mostly unknown to anyone I bring it up to which makes me suspect of the idea that they are "well renowned" for providing good in-field job experience. Just working? Is the most attractive option at this point considering the fact that the thought of going back to school after working for 16 years makes me want to run for the nearest toilet, but the thought wasting that 16 years and getting pigeon-holed in an area that I will ultimately be both stuck and unhappy in doesn't make me to happy either.
So, where did all this come from? you may ask and what the hell does this have to do with the confidence of a nation?

Over the years we all have seen in an increase in the amount of students who receive a higher education and while for many this is a positive there is a definite negative side. It seems, now a days, that without a degree of some sort you are basically viewed by society as a failure. I guess I'm not sure how to say this delicately or with any kind of literary flair, but why do we suddenly everyone in this country is entitled to a higher education?

After 4 years in school I have seen my fair share of, well, idiots who didn't belong in any kind of college and in turn I have seen plenty of those who got there by working hard, studying hard, and valuing their education and I have seen both type of people fail. But when did it suddenly become practical, or logical to create a country full of people with college educations. We need people to do things like work office jobs, and be plumbers and there are people out there who WANT to do that but don't thinks its "OK" because they will be looked down upon. If every child in America attends college who will be left to work the jobs that they don't want? Now normally I am an all for one, one for all kind of liberal who thinks that we all deserve basic rights and the access to things that provide a healthy and happy life, and for some that may include college, but you know what? for some it just won't. There was many a time, especially early on, in college that I wanted to quit. I wanted to go to cooking or pastry school and start my own little restaurant, I wanted to go to massage school, I wanted to do lots of things that didn't include sitting in a classroom for 6 hours a day 5 days a week. Now. I realized very quickly that those things weren't going to be right for me, but who's to say they aren't right for the kid who falls asleep next to me in class everyday and never turns in his homework or the girl who studies so hard and still manages to pull C's on her tests who ends up in fits of tears every finals week. Who knows. But I do know that I'm sick and tired of hearing kids saying that they are going to college because they "had nothing better to do", well Jesus I wish I had nothing better to do than to waste upwards of 20 thousand dollars a year too but I guess we can't all be that lucky. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to college if you don't know what you want to do we all change our minds, but honestly we all have at least an idea of what our strengths and weaknesses are ultimately those are what end up determining most peoples field of choice (or it should at least).

This country continues to to flex its muscles like an over-roided Mr. universe on the world stage but eventually its going to suffer the consequences of its drug use and those muscles are going to disappear in a very painful and public festival of disintegration and when they do we are all going to have to take a good long look in the mirror and ask ourselves if it was really worth it to pretend to be something we were never meant to be?

Introduction...

Alright, so this may be the thousandth time i've tried to journal/blog but I am giving it one more valiant try in order to maybe restore what is left of my already marginal writing skills. And lucky for you i'm doing it in an extremely public way so you can read and ridicule as much or as often as you which.