There are just days where the contemplations of life bring your body and your mind to the breaking point. The living conception that there are things present in the world today; feelings, emotions, events, that can bring so much pain and suffering to a person that they will to make their heart stop from the agony of it all. There are days when my heart hurts, when I observe the terror and hate that we inflict upon humanity for the good of ourselves and my eyes want to burst with tears and I must my clench my fists and tighten my mouth to keep from my own anger and pain form adding insult to injury. Each day I see the drawn faces of parents who will never know the joy of dancing at their childs wedding, or holding their grandchildren, I see them struggle to understand why, why their child can't hold a pencil or blow bubbles, why they can't will their child to speak so that they can understand their wants and needs more clearly. I see their disappointment in themselves, their wonder of what they did. I walk the steps to my cozy home and see the disgruntled men and women wandering, picking up cans, trying to find what little hope of a meal or comfort in the few dollars they can scrounge and I hear the snearing and jearing from society wondering why they can't better themselves for the good of "respectable people", why they can't sober up, why they can't pull themselves up out of their situation, and yet those same "respectable people" can't see their own friends struggling with the loss of jobs, scrimping and saving to buy their children schools clothes or this weeks groceries, selling the car to pay the morgage and putting on a smiling face so know one will know that their just not making it. It makes me wonder how more people don't just break-down and cry from it all. The feeling of helplessness, the charge of ingnorance and intolerence, the enormity of the problem and lack of awarness, the wish to solve the worlds problems and the complete and crushing knowledge that you will never, ever, be able to.
But, then I remember the joy of a wathing child running around a darkned room without abandon, smile blazing, because of the shining glow stick you just handed them, or the parent laughing with tears in their eyes because their child just said a 6 word sentance for the first time in their lives. The simple joy of seeing the smiles of others when you open a door for them or just say hello on your morning walk. Small, unabrtusive things that bring my heart back from the brink and remind me that joy and kindess in small amounts infinatly trump the pain that humans create for ourselves. This is what my conception of life has become, what reminds me of my own wish to brighten the lives of others. Life is not seeing the good through the bad, it isn't the light at the end of a tunnel. Light is ever present, it doesn't come after the dark, it is the dark. Beauty is not conceptualized in a leafy tree blowing in a summer breeze, or a painted sunset. Its in a city scape darkened by rain clouds. I feel as though our lives are puncuated by waiting, waiting for something we want to happen, and we become so wrapped up in waiting that we forget that life is not created by the signs or the actions of what is around us, it created by us. Only we can act for ourselves, only we can create the life we want, waiting for others to act for you will create a life of wishing, and as beautiful and perfect as wishes can be, they will never taste or sweet or feel as wonderful as the truth and being of reality.
And so I charge myself, and you, to remember what it is to stop living through vision and perception and start taking action to create the life we want, here and now, with our hands and bodies instead of with our minds.
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