Breaking the Bone To Set it In Place.

There are just days where the contemplations of life bring your body and your mind to the breaking point. The living conception that there are things present in the world today; feelings, emotions, events, that can bring so much pain and suffering to a person that they will to make their heart stop from the agony of it all. There are days when my heart hurts, when I observe the terror and hate that we inflict upon humanity for the good of ourselves and my eyes want to burst with tears and I must my clench my fists and tighten my mouth to keep from my own anger and pain form adding insult to injury. Each day I see the drawn faces of parents who will never know the joy of dancing at their childs wedding, or holding their grandchildren, I see them struggle to understand why, why their child can't hold a pencil or blow bubbles, why they can't will their child to speak so that they can understand their wants and needs more clearly. I see their disappointment in themselves, their wonder of what they did. I walk the steps to my cozy home and see the disgruntled men and women wandering, picking up cans, trying to find what little hope of a meal or comfort in the few dollars they can scrounge and I hear the snearing and jearing from society wondering why they can't better themselves for the good of "respectable people", why they can't sober up, why they can't pull themselves up out of their situation, and yet those same "respectable people" can't see their own friends struggling with the loss of jobs, scrimping and saving to buy their children schools clothes or this weeks groceries, selling the car to pay the morgage and putting on a smiling face so know one will know that their just not making it. It makes me wonder how more people don't just break-down and cry from it all. The feeling of helplessness, the charge of ingnorance and intolerence, the enormity of the problem and lack of awarness, the wish to solve the worlds problems and the complete and crushing knowledge that you will never, ever, be able to.

But, then I remember the joy of a wathing child running around a darkned room without abandon, smile blazing, because of the shining glow stick you just handed them, or the parent laughing with tears in their eyes because their child just said a 6 word sentance for the first time in their lives. The simple joy of seeing the smiles of others when you open a door for them or just say hello on your morning walk. Small, unabrtusive things that bring my heart back from the brink and remind me that joy and kindess in small amounts infinatly trump the pain that humans create for ourselves. This is what my conception of life has become, what reminds me of my own wish to brighten the lives of others. Life is not seeing the good through the bad, it isn't the light at the end of a tunnel. Light is ever present, it doesn't come after the dark, it is the dark. Beauty is not conceptualized in a leafy tree blowing in a summer breeze, or a painted sunset. Its in a city scape darkened by rain clouds. I feel as though our lives are puncuated by waiting, waiting for something we want to happen, and we become so wrapped up in waiting that we forget that life is not created by the signs or the actions of what is around us, it created by us. Only we can act for ourselves, only we can create the life we want, waiting for others to act for you will create a life of wishing, and as beautiful and perfect as wishes can be, they will never taste or sweet or feel as wonderful as the truth and being of reality.

And so I charge myself, and you, to remember what it is to stop living through vision and perception and start taking action to create the life we want, here and now, with our hands and bodies instead of with our minds.

A simple cache of empty poetic sentances, arranged artfully.

Oh, but I am a slave to my own eternal mediocrity, try to fail and fail to try to see where good intensions lie. Why a shooting star falls short, revealing unknow the distance of its course. tales and debris. Or what we could only see, is only what we make and the drastic measures tha we take, to ends of luxury, rich with comfort, filled with this and that, of sorts. Things to be regretted. Or, all we are and ever, will be, won't be, could and only, should be lonely in a world of placeless pity on those so wholly undeserving, where we become, over and over, not what we're meat, but the measly half of what could be better spent.

Power,Will ?Is there a Will Power?? Will Power anyone?

Ok. I'll admit it. I'm living behind a cardboard facade of an active life, which is now beginning to crumple around me, and as my cozy laze-about retreat is revealed I stare upon the stark reality of my life and I realize that now is the time to ask for your help, because obviously I can't manage that on my own.

I once used to cook and took delight in making meals and trying new recipes. I now eat lean cu sines for lunch everyday.

I used to love to walk. Rain or shine, hot or cold, night or day, and I now struggle to pull myself out of bed every morning to walk my incessantly hyper active dog.

I used to be creative. I sang, played instruments, dabbled in photography, now files of pictures stay trapped inside my forgotten camera unappreciated and un-edited and my vocal exercise consists of singing along to the radio.

Yet, even as I can hear the endless real of excuses begin their faint warbling track in my mind. Sure this has been the busiest year of my life. Graduation, moving, new jobs, getting a dog, marriage, and now on to being an auntie, but what are those things compared to my passions in life? I mean, of course they are important, life changing in some respects, but they should only add to me as a person, not subtract. Admittedly those things all took time, and in many cases maximized it, but what is stopping me now? What is holding me back from savoring the retreat I used to find in a good walk, the emotional release of a song, or the joy of a painstakingly prepared meal. The answer, I suppose, is obvious, it's not my life, it's Me. I realize this makes the statements and questions above completely pointless, but what is a Blog if not self-indulgent?

I want to pose the challenge to myself, and to those of you who are willing to help me, to regain the passions I once enjoyed. Firstly, some conditions, I work 10 hour days which means I often don't get home until 6:30 or 7:00 at night which is a major obstacle to cooking a nice meal every night for the simple reason that when I get home I am famished and have neither the time nor the patience to cook. So anyone who can get me around that doosey gets a gold star.

I have recently found that a good nights sleep really helps me be less lethargic in the mornings, however when you get home at 6:30 add time to eat, take the dog out again, and watch the news or a tv show it has magically become 9 o'clock and you have had no time to go to the grocery store or read that blog article you wanted to read and so you stay up till 10, which becomes 11 which leads to not enough sleep. Although I used to avoid the snooze it has recently become my constant companion, and as much as I hate that it limits my time to be able to take the dog out and leaves me rushed and frantic to get out the door in the morning. This will, I'm afraid, become an even larger problem when I start taking public transportation again which requires me to get up even earlier.

So, I barely have time to cook or walk the dog...when am I supposed to find time to sing again or take pictures? The weekends are basically my only time to spend with my husband, when he is there, or have a social life, which is hanging on by a thread as it is.

Excuses, excuses. Its all I've got. So. Help. Please? Be harsh. Be nice...I don't care at this point. I just need someone to point me in a direction that doesn't lead to an endless cycle of missed opportunities and boring routine.